You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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