he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
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He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
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Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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