My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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