I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
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Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
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ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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