My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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