I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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