You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
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Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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