i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
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I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
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Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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