We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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