just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
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Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
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How do u even exfoliate your vagina
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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