I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
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i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
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I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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