if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
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My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
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There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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