someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
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No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
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Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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