I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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