Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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