dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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