I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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