her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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