I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
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You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
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You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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