and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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