Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
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Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
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You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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