you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
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Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
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My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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