I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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