do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
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Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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