Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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