I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
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Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
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I wish there were birth control emojis
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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