I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
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I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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