I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
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I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
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I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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