If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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