u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
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The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
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you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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