I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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