Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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