You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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