You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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