her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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