Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
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Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
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How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
so much tequila, so little girl.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize