Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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