Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
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Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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