I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
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This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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