if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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