I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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