If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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