i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
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I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
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The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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