He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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