i think my tv is drunk
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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