so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize