around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
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there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
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You need Xanax blowdarts
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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