He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
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I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
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well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Those nachos came to me in a dream
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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