you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
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I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
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You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Drunk is a universal language darling
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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