the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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